I think my fart just growled at me.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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