I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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