I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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