Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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