He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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