This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
