Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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