Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You're like the curious george of whores
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
