Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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