We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
