If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Everything about him screamed your future.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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