So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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