well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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