I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize