true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
