so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
