you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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