If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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