The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
