I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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