her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I am available for nakedness
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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