All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
