i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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