I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
