So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
