Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
