Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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