he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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