Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she smelled like a LAN party
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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