Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
