Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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