I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
