Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
