i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
