Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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