He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
