Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
tell me about the eggs
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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