Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
