The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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