hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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