I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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