I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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