We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Who died my cat blue again?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
