But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
