Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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