Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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