Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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