took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
