do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
