Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
do herpes really smell.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
