I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
