my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Two words: blizzard sex
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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