U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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