she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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