dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I have already put on my inside pants.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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