Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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