You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
