Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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