Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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