Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
