i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
