Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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